The start of my spiritual journey probably starts like how many of yours; growing up in the church and not having a choice of if you wanted to go or not. My father is the deacon and I have many other family members that had various titles in the church so me saying I wasn’t going to church because I didn’t want to would never happen. However, just because I was in the church, that didn’t necessarily mean I was receiving the message. I felt like I just went to say I went and to see my best friend and cousin. We sat in the back of church and passed notes the entire service. Sad, but its true. I didn’t understand anything and felt that it was customary to go on Sundays.
As I got older, our church got a new pastor that wanted to focus on the youth and get us excited for God. She made it her priority to reserve two rows for us to sit at in the front of the church so that we wouldn’t get distracted. She really just took the time out to help us understand the importance of having a relationship with God and that helped me a lot, but I still wasn’t all the way committed or “impressed”.
I moved away and began attending a different style church and found a newfound love for the church. Everyone was welcoming, I made friends that I still speak to til this day, and just really enjoyed the atmosphere. But again, notice I fell in love with the church, not God himself. I still struggled with a lot when it came to my spiritual journey but wasn’t quite ready to fully commit myself for whatever reason (I think it’s because I thought it wasn’t “cool”).
My faith was tested whole heartedly when it was time for me to go off to college my first year; it was expensive and I couldn’t afford it and unfortunately had to leave after one semester. I was heartbroken because that was my dream school and all I spoke about the months leading up to it. However, I started to just give all my problems to God and moved forward to just starting over and going somewhere else for the coming year.
Ran right into another road block.
I thought it was completely over for my hopes of going to college until I just began to pray and God showed out and blessed me in way I would have never thought. But after I got my blessings, I tried to stay on track but slipped away, for a long time. I’m talking 2 years slipped away. I don’t know what it was but I just didn’t feel compelled to work on my spiritual life. Everything was going well in my life and didn’t see the point in going out my way to focus on that.
But though I felt likeeverything was okay on the outside, I wasn’t on the inside. I was dealing with a lot mentally that I didn’t want to confront or face that it took a toll on me. Friends and close family noticed but didn’t say anything and I still wanted to paint the picture to everyone that I was still the “strong friend”. But the truth is you can only be the strong person for so long before you have a burnout, which is what I had.
I had never confronted my mental enemies until the start of 2018 and I took them on headstrong, but without my faith. I just used logic to try to figure out where my issues came from and understand it and get through it. I started leaning back towards spirituality and purchased a book by Sarah Jakes Roberts and wanted it to help empower me but not on a spiritual level. It was as if I was reading just to read and not to understand it.
It wasn’t until recently that something just sparked in my head that I need my relationship with God back because where I want to go mentally, spiritually and physically, I realized I can’t do it on my own. I needed a foundation and I’ve finally accepted the challenge to follow His path for me to follow. I realized I’m finally ready for it and I’m truly excited for this journey.
I have a new mindset about everything and just ready to see where I go when I rely fully on God. This new segment of The Sister Journal will consist of my ongoing spiritual journey and just explain how no one is perfect in their walk but want to just be a support shoulder for all of my sisters out there.